mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
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