i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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