Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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