Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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