a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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