I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
