Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
