I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
