So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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