Where are you?
In a non slutty way
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
