I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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