Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
