Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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