My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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