Yo dont text me then not text me
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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