Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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