Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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