Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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