my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
