Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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