Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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