a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
