don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
