I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
