I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
