By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
