idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Terrible idea I love it
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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