At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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