My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
