I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
