You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
