Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
