then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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