so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
