He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
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