I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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