you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
