i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
