Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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