Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
