As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
