You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
