my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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