Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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