They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
