and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
