Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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