I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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