apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
