You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
