We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
