and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
