Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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