U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
