I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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