Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
