so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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