y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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