Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize